Not again. motherlessbride hypoxic brain injury mri findings

For 10 years I yearned for a mother and daughter relationship. 22 months ago, I became a mother to the most precious, outgoing, smart, sweet, and beautiful girl. Her name is Eliza Remy. Eliza after my mom, Ellen, and Remy after my paternal grandmother, Reva. Two strong women who I remember often in my thoughts. What better way to honor two women who’s impact in my life is immeasurable?

It has been over two years since I last wrote. The hustle and bustle of life got the best of me, and in all honesty, I forgot a little about this blog. I felt that my motherless bride journey was over and was settling into my motherless wife and motherless mother journey, which also came with losing my beloved Dog, my mom’s dog, Shemmie.

And now, I am a motherless wife and a motherless mother. The journey has been tough but rewarding. I sometimes find myself looking at the sky and asking “Why Gd?!”, sometimes actually expecting an answer. Or other times, I am trying to decide between two things, and I look around me and I say, “Mom, give me a sign to make the right decision”. anoxia meaning When there is silence and no signs, I get angry and sad. Not even a sign? Not even the wind blowing or something falling off the shelf? Is she with me? How dare I ask that question, of course she is. Sometimes a sign is not so easy to send.

There have been times when I did receive signs from her, or someone. When I needed my mother desperately and cried out for her. I was given the gift of her in some way, shape, or form. But still, that never seems to be enough. It is not her. That is what I need more than a sign, I NEED HER.

O and I went to a wedding this weekend. I love and hate weddings. It is fun to see good family and friends marry their soulmates. It is lovely to see the sparkle of happiness in their eyes and just know that they are making the right decision for themselves. anxiety disorder dsm 5 definition The evening is often magical, with good food and dancing. I rarely have a bad time at a wedding. But when I do, it is always because of my jealousy. My disgusting, gross jealousy. I have not been able to shake this off for 12 years. I do not know if I ever will. The bride’s mother from the wedding this past weekend is the sweetest soul. She is kind, nurturing, and genuinely cares for her family. She has always been so loving towards me. hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy radiographics She never met my Mom. She met me 2 years after my Mom died, so only knew me as a motherless daughter. Even this weekend, she was so gracious towards me.

She was being motherly, because of course. Someone was eating lunch and they were making a mess on their lap. To the rescue, Lori came over with a plate to help with the mess. Someone commented “That is what mother’s are for! To make everything better.” and I thought “Oh, I don’t remember”. Of course my mother made so many things better for me, but in the 12 years she has been gone, I have completely forgotten certain aspects of her. And that fucking sucks.

We arrived home from the wedding in Philly yesterday. We had a whole weekend to ourselves, but honestly spent the majority of time looking at photos of Eliza while we were gone. It’s funny. nanda nursing diagnosis for hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy How can it be that when you are with your child you’re exhausted and yearning for a break, but as soon as you receive that break, all you want is to be with them again? O’s parents had come in town last minute and were able to spend a lot of time with Eliza. It was nice.

They came over to say hi to us yesterday. Everything was normal, we gave hugs and kisses and sat on the couch to relax. The next piece of information was anything but relaxing. My MIL told us that she had just been diagnosed with stage 4 Liver Metastasis. She got stage 1 or 2 breast cancer the year before O and I got married. They treated it diligently and swiftly and none of us thought twice about it. We truly believed we had been so lucky.

I am heartbroken. Not only for my husband and his siblings, but for my beautiful daughter. For my FIL whose life revolves around his wife. For my nieces and nephews who are old enough to understand what is happening, but do not know yet. For myself, for having to go through this all over again. My Mom had this same cancer. She got it 7 years after being in remission from stage 4 breast cancer. anxiété définition médicale And now Maya has it. I can’t imagine having to actually relive this process. Not only with my mother in law, but also with the memories, feelings, and deep rooted grief I still see and feel with my experience 15 years ago. Can I ask the question we are all thinking? Why this? Why again? Why her? Why do bad things happen to good people?

What more can I say? I need to find support groups, through myself into my writing and therapy, and figure out how I can be the best daughter in law, wife, sister in law, and friend. All while maintaining my own sanity surrounding this situation and providing a happy, fun, loving life for my beautiful daughter, my Eliza, named after my Mom.